It is that time of year in the Midwest.
Most of the snowbirds have left the state. The real birds will follow them. They go south for the winter and end up in Texas, Florida, Arizona and other warm places the rest of us read about. I don’t know where the actual birds go but the snowbirds just get in the car and drive south.
Snowbirds, if you are not familiar with the term, are typically old people with cold blood that need to go south to stay warm. They are sort of like snakes that need warmth. Snakes may stretch out on the street or sidewalk to get warm in the sun. Snowbirds have figured out that its hard to get back up on their walkers and scooters before a car runs them over. Snowbirds are smart. They don’t have to worry about frozen water pipes, shoveling snow, or driving off the road in a blinding snow storm on the way to anywhere.
If you live up here in the Midwest you know that the snowbirds are replaced by zombies in the winter. They are almost here. You can tell.
Zombies in the Midwest are preceded by raccoons, possums, and skunks that jump in front of moving vehicles with the intent of breaking off pieces of your car bumper. I think this is a genetic left over from a time in our nations history when the zombies actually ate small animals.
And the signs… The signs start telling drivers to watch for deer in rut as they leave the cities for the unprotected wilds of the rural communities. Then the zombification begins. You know a zombie by their features. Midwest zombies:
- Have not been to work in days
- Wear dark colors
- Wear boots
- Have clothing typically covered in mud and potentially torn
- Have not combed their hair
- Carry a large rifle, shotgun, knives, pistols and/or bow
- Drive a truck
- Carry a predefined number of “tags”
- Have reflective gear to identify themselves to other zombies
Zombies can be found before the sun comes up:
- At rural gas stations getting coffee
- Driving to obscure locations where one would not take their family in the dark
- Walking in empty fields
- Walking through wooded areas
- Rubbing deer piss on themselves for the fragrance
yeah, its that good
Zombies can be found in the day:
- Eating at a local diner
- Talking about “the one that got away”
- Talking about “the one they let go” - so they could get a better one later
- Drinking coffee
- Asking why someone that hit a deer with their car didn’t take it to be “processed”
- Sitting in a stand
- Discussing points - but not referring to an iPhone application
Zombies can be found after dark:
- Driving home or to a lodge
note: a lodge is any warm place without non-zombies that had a place to lie down and alcohol - Walking in empty farm fields after the sun sets
- Walking through wooded areas
- Cursing about “the one that got away”
- Cursing about “the one they let go” – because a better one couldn’t be found
- With dead animals on the hood or bed of their truck
note: placement of dead animals is determined by age, experience, and alcohol consumption
Zombies will appear to be wondering aimlessly through rural areas. Do not be deceived. They are restless, armed, angry, and want to shoot something and eat it. Non-zombies are unwelcome.
If you have not concealed your identity by wrapping yourself in the attire and smell of the zombies it is best to avoid living specimens except when found in gas stations and diners. If a zombie is discussing a number of unfilled “tags” do not approach or engage them.
If you have a zombie in your family, symptoms of zombification will abate after specific period of time to be identified by your state’s department of natural resources. It is not uncommon for periods of zombification to recur at a predictable pattern for a few months.
Annual zombification ends before the snowbirds return. If your community’s snowbirds have returned and your loved one is still wearing reflective gear and not shaving, please contact your local zombie cleanup team for assistance. They will take the zombie bath, shave and dress them before sending them home to you.