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My oldest had been sick for a few days and we went out for ice cream after she was feeling better. We ordered a six scoop banana split to share.
L. I'm getting full.
We were only 1/4 of the way through the ice cream.
M. You'd better stop eating then. If you get sick from too much ice cream and throw up in bed again I'll be mad.
L. (shrugs and looks up at me holding the next bite of ice cream on her spoon) You'll be the one cleaning it up. Mom isn't going to. You bought the ice cream.
K. You're the best Dad ever. (Hugs me)
Me. Really? You'd better remember that later. (Hugs her back)
K. Not always, but you are for right now.
L. Hasn't he been president for a year yet?
Me. Yes. Its been just over a year.
L. Does he need to be president any more? Can we get a new one?
L: Daddy I want to play with my iPad.
Me: People in Hell want ice water.
L: (laughing) People in Hell can't have ice water!
Me: Why not?
L: (laughing) Because it will melt! Its too hot!
There was a slight pause in the conversation at this point.
L: Wait a minute. Does that mean I can't play on my iPad?
My kids are fairly aware of whats going on in the presidential race this year. They can recognize the voices and some of the faces of the candidates as of April 2016. And my seven year old is an ardent Hilary supporter. So we talk about Hilary and Trump from time to time.
Me: Repeat after me.
K: OK.
Me: Trump is good!
L: Trump is bad.
Me: Trump is great!
L: Trump is dumb.
K: Hey L, stop that! Dad, go again.
Me: Trump is good!
K: Trump is good.
Me: Trump is great!
K: Trump is great.
Me: Trump is going to save the world.
L: Dad, if you believe that you are dumb.
My youngest and I were working on cleaning out the garage yesterday. We were explaining how we had to properly dispose of some old paint. It was old enough that it had separated and the cans were rusted shut. We discussed how the old paint could be poisonous.
Later that evening K was explaining the poison and what we were doing with it to her sister...
L. (smiling) I've drank poison before and I didn't even die.
Without pause and without malice her sister responded.
K. I know. That's because you are evil.
My kids were fighting again. Pulling hair, calling names, hitting each other. It happens.
Me. You two just can't seem to get along. You obviously don't want a sister. I'm going to have to give one of you away. You have to pick, and agree on, which one gets a new family.
L. Her.
K. [points toward her sister]
L. Wait. Do we get a new dad?
K. That might be good.
K. Taekwondo is better than soccer.
Me. Why?
K. Because you get to practice hitting and kicking things and people pay attention to you. In soccer you just run around following the ball.
My daughters and I were discussing their latest after school activities. The youngest is now in taekwondo. The oldest wants to play basketball this season. She's six. I asked her if she was interested in playing football since she always wants to go to the games and has definitive opinions about what teams she likes or not. She said "No, not really."
Moments later we drove past the football stadium. She noticed that the middle school team was practicing. It was raining. She announced, "That is one of the reasons I will never play football. Basketball is inside. You do not have to play in the rain or cold."
While watching a football game at a sports bar/restaurant ....
L. Daddy, football is a really dangerous game.
Me. What are you talking about?
L. You can get hit and tackled just once and die.
GPa. Laughing. It looks like that. That guy has been laid out on the field for 10 minutes with the doctors working on him.
L. Yeah. He's dead.
On seeing what was under the tree at Christmas ...
L - There's a bunch of stuff here we didn't even order from Santa
K - Thats OK. We'll keep it anyway!
On realizing Santa gave the girls coal for Christmas ...
K - Santa gave us coal? But we've been good!
L - Its OK that Santa gave us coal. He knows that we need it to keep the house warm. I like it when the house is warm. We can just light it on fire and warm up.
L - You hand is black!
K - Ugh! I have to wash my hands now. This sucks!
When people are good they go to Heaven when they die. When they are bad they go to Hell. When people are bad in Heaven God sends them back to Earth and into their old bodies. Then they become zombies and witches. When there are too many zombies God will send the Angels down from heaven to kill them if they are still being bad. Then the people that are zombies will all go to Hell where they are supposed to be. They should have been good in Heaven.
- L (age5)
...
Me: Will you be good in Heaven?
L: We're going to try.
K: I don't want to be a zombie! Your skin falls off!
L: And then we would have to eat brains! Yuck!
...
L (age5) There used to be real princesses and princes in the world. Then an evil witch turned them all into characters and made them make movies for Disney and do stupid stuff like trying to kill their sister and freeze their heart! Thats crazy.
K (age 4) Yeah, and that witch really needs to die!
There used to be dinosaurs all over. But they didn't listen to God. And that made God really angry. So God told the Angels to kill the dinosaurs because they were being bad. The Angels killed them all and when they they were done the Angels told God they were finished. Then God told them, "God job!"
And thats why there are no more dinosaurs.
- L (5) and K (4)
We love you Dad, but you are still a loser.
- L age 4
We were racing getting our seat belts fastened. I had to buckle hers. Her mom laughed for a good while after hearing her say this.